It’s a question. A simple one. Who found America?
When people are asked this question their response is generally one of the following.
1. America was found by Christopher Columbus, who despite many odds traveled tirelessly and discovered the New World.
2. Christopher Columbus wanted to go to India but instead he found America because he realized the Earth wasn’t round.
Oh how, I ask, can we forget the founder of America who heroically sailed into the west to find the Americas, making best friends with the natives and coolly sailing off into the sunset. The man whose discovery not only was pulled off in considerable fashion- waistcoats, woolen hats, and knee high socks (oh yes, those socks), but proved to those stupid, stupid people that the world wasn’t flat.
What’s wrong with this story? A whole lot.
There is no doubt that Americans often romanticize the journeys of Christopher Columbus. From the textbooks in our American history classrooms to the insurance commercials on TV (that’s right GEICO), have developed a bogus, almost mythical image of the man that sailed ‘In 1492… the ocean blue’ unknowingly coming across America.
Don’t fret.I am here to disperse those thoughts and with pitiless bluntness introduce my own.
American children, including myself, are often taught and are continued to be taught one of the biggest hoaxes in history. Statements such as ‘Columbus wanted to prove the world wasn’t round’ and ‘Columbus discovered the New World’ continue to gain the guiltless admiration of twinkle eyed second graders at schools called Columbus Elementary.
Most things about Columbus and his discoveries are wholly untrue, a lie, or nauseatingly exaggerated.
But here’s my rant take on this.
1. Columbus wanted to prove the world was round.
He was too late. The Greeks had beaten him to it… about 2,000 years ago. Columbus, the Queen, his crew, heck, just about every literate human being at Columbus’ time knew that the world was round. And please don’t you dare tell me that his crew was afraid to fall off the edge of the Earth. This myth, while not from Columbus himself, is another layer of false theories that subjugates the real motives of his actions.
2. Columbus discovered America.
Ignoring the fact that millions of people (I mean millions) over the course of thousands of years had crossed the Bering Strait to come into North America lived there for about 15,000 years before good ‘ol Columbus “discovered” it. It was really Leif Ericson of the Norse who found America, all 500 years before Columbus could have even dreamed of sailing.
While I could tell you about how his famous ships The Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria and how two of the ships’ names were about prostitution, clearly my objective is to shed light on what matters- how Columbus was an evil, evil man.
Who would think such an idiotic move on part of Columbus would lead to something better than Asia. It was his miscalculation that blew him over to the coasts of the Canary Islands and eventually arrived in what’s now the Bahamas, in one swell swoop worthy of awe, Columbus-forever made his way into the heart of electronic commercials, 50% off sales at the mall, and Italian parades.
In the New World Columbus didn’t see spices, he saw something better- he found gold.
Damn the route to Asia, he just found himself some bling-bling.
Columbus initially described the natives as friendly, healthy, and hospitable people. The Lucayan people of America helped Columbus when one of his ships was shipwrecked. Columbus took advantage of the kindness and to a further sense the naivetés of the people.
Perhaps even worse than Columbus himself can be Queen Isabella, whom Columbus sold the idea of dissecting wealth and prosperity from the New World for Spain itself.
Armed with his military now, he returned to America to coercing the women into having sex with his men and taking away their gold and food.
He wanted his gold so he set up a token system where if a native brought him gold they would receive a token they could wear around their neck to be pardoned from being killed. Those who didn’t bring him gold had to wear a dismembered hand around their neck.
He rewarded his men with sex slaves. These girls usually ages 9-10 were used as currency.
Along with diseases such as smallpox, they tainted the Americas’ ecological systems; the incursion of forced labor wiped millions of natives and resulted basically in genocide. Historians believe that that Columbus’ gold trade led to African slaves becoming the leading economical commodity. So, not only he is the Hitler Father of the Native American Genocide he is also the father of the slave trade.
This guy has a holiday named after him.
Does he seriously deserve the respect and honor shared by people like Martin L. King.
Remember that question. The simple one, “Who found America?” Is the answer really that simple? America’s greatest founding father, the thief, the racist, the assassin of an entire race of people is perhaps not even worthy of being called a human.
American Pageant 11th edition